My name is Melanie and I’m a Food Network snob!

I can’t begin to explain how much I miss the Food Network. TiVo, the greatest invention known to man, made the Food Network shows even more accesible to my busy schedule in Florida. I frequently shared an afternoon in the kitchen with Ina and Paula. We chopped away together while sharing marriage stories and tidbits about our herb gardens. It was safe to say the three of us were pals. Having no TV here in Korea really puts a damper on my entertainment capabilities, not to mention my heart-to-hearts with the chicks of culinaria. I cook and bake a lot so I am constantly visiting all my friends via the Food Network website but I feel so disconnected from my peeps. In my search for a recipe my typical search will uncover a few options. Don’t worry I have a system. I’m very exclusive… I only use recipes from certain chefs and while browsing through the 994 sugar cookie recipes I realized that I have an opinion on almost all the of the Food Network hosts. Allow me to share (although I’ll spare the boring ones for lack of space and attention span):

Paula Deen – Hands down I wish she were my third grandmother! Her recipes are relatively easy and mostly all fabulous. Her sons are handsome and her husband looks like the Gorton’s Fisherman. I dream of dining at her restaurant and giving her a great big hug! I’m a hugger and I’m convinced she is too!

Ina Garten – I love her almost as much as Paula. Almost. Her recipes are also very simple but very yummy and her love for her smart little husband is very endearing. She makes him a roast chicken dinner very Friday when he arrives home from his job in New England, I mean how utterly cute it that?!! Nobody but Ina can make the haughty snobbish towns of the Hamptons look so friendly and quaint.

Alton Brown – If I were dorkier and unmarried I would have a crush on Alton. His culinary knowledge is that of a bible scholar fresh out of seminary, there is no end to the information and enthusiasm. Alton is the only thing that holds my attention at the gym at 6 AM (when I only have Fox News and Acess Hollywood as alternatives) but still I love him. I can now make one heckofa fritatta and I owe it all to this man.

Bobby Flay – One word – pompous! I don’t care how big your barbeque grill is! Your restaurants in NYC are overrated and overpriced, not to mention OVER and your attitude about anything not prepared on a BBQ grill is well – superior! I do love a BBQ and have been known to daydream about the Tuscany Elite but Bobby, you are so 5 minutes ago!

Emeril Lagasse – Is he drunk sometimes? If he isn’t he has got to be the most animated TV Chef ever. I hope he’s drunk. He’s like Fun Bobby from Friends, remember him?

Giada De Laurentiis – I think her name weighs more than she does. The recipes I’ve tried are tasty but how believable can a 90-pound Italian chef really be? C’mon when you’re actually tasting your own food and weigh more than my 11-year-old cousin I might try more of your recipes.

Michael Chiarello – Is he gay or just a metrosexual? I’ve seen his wife on the show but maybe she’s just a decoy. Despite his effeminate tendencies I am brutally jealous of his herb garden in wine country, CA.

Nigella Lawson – We would be friends in real life! Love Her!

Marc Summers – I know he doesn’t exactly cook but didn’t I use to watch him here? And is it me or has he not aged a bit?

Mario Batali – Love him and every one of his restaurants in NYC. His recipes can be a little complex to make but oh so yummy to eat!

Rachael Ray – Ok, here’s a tricky one. I love her magazine and her recipes are good. 365 No Repeats is a cookbook I buy for all my newlywed friends. HOWEVER (notice this however is very large), I cannot stand this woman to save my life. I have a physical gagging reaction whenever I hear the term EVOO. I’m not sure how she ever became popular but I try to pretend she’s just a cartoon.

Sandra Lee – How is it that someone actually makes a fortune from showing people how to open cans?

Tyler Florence – If I wasn’t already married Tyler Florence might have a stalker problem.

Who’s your favorite celebrity chef?

*PC Disclaimer – All of my opinions are just that – my opinions, I do not mean to offend or upset anyone about my thoughts of these celebrity chefs. I’m sure they are all wonderful individuals but I’m still a snob.*

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4 responses to “My name is Melanie and I’m a Food Network snob!

  1. Hysterical!!! I love Nigella and Alton too and I agree that Bobby Flay is a royal A**!!! I cannot even stand to look at him.

  2. myplaceforink

    My husband and I both agree with your commentary on Foodnetwork hosts….you hit the mark with everyone, but hubby has a major crush on the EVOO gal…

  3. Michael Smith (Chef at Home on Food Network Canada) is one of my favorites! I also love Take Home Chef, Ina, Rachel Ray (other than the fact that when she talks it does grate on my nerves).

  4. Hi. I came across this blog while searching for something “EVOO” related and I can not leave without commenting….
    Reading this post makes me think that you and I MUST have been separated at birth!
    With the exception of the fact that I DO have a crush on Alton…everything you said about the Food Network chefs here is exactly what I think as well. I actually just sent a shirt I designed in homage of The Lady of Savannah to her as a gift, it says “Got Butter Y’all?”, I ADORE that woman. I also LOVE Nigela, her mushy peas have been a staple side dish at my house for years now. And I agree about our old Double Dare host (used to watch that all the time as a kid)…seems like he’s got the Dick Clark age defying gift. 🙂
    Some of the things you said about Flay, Rachael Ray, Giada, Chiarello and Sandra Lee are word for word things I have said about them myself. lol, I am going to try your coping device of turning Ms. Ray into a cartoon…should help and be simple as it’s not much of a stretch.
    Thanks for a Really Good Laugh this morning.

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